My Days In Numbers

I could drown in the tears I’ve shed for you.

03/22/2012

Hey everyone, I’m feeling down again so I’ve come back to vent. Ok, so let’s start with my non-existent love life…. I really like this kid in my english class and I’m getting a lot of different vibes from him. Some days he’ll flirt with me, others he won’t even look at me while I’m talking to him. The girl I like in my calc class put my in the friend zone over the weekend so I still have to find my way out of that. I’m trying so hard to get these people’s attention, but my best efforts won’t cut it. I even wore one of my best, most expensive outfits to try to impress them, but they didn’t even notice. I guess I’m just not their type, but then again, I’m no one’s type. Maybe I should just start looking at the mentally retarded to date because people who can’t grasp the concept of attractive will be the only ones who would even try to touch me with sexual intentions.

Now let’s talk about my falling friendships… I have befriended a lot of new people are refriended people whom I thought were out of my life for good. So this has turned out to be a horrible mistake. My one friend that I’ve been hanging out with ever since I got to college seems to get annoyed with everything I do. She always cling to me when no one else is around, but as soon as someone better comes around she’s the first to leave me dry and I’m really starting to get sick of it so I spent most of the day alone. Besides her, I only hang out with a few other of my new friends. I would hang out with them more if I knew I wasn’t going to be a nuisance to them also. Being alone never sounded so nice.

Now let’s talk about my schooling. I fucking hate all of my classes. I’m changing my major to broadcasting and mass media because there is no way I’m going to stay at this bullshit school if my classes are killing me. Sure, I’m doing well in all of them, but I’m not happy anymore, it’s time to forget everything my parents want and live for me. Hell, I’m paying for it anyway.

I just can’t believe I’m still dealing with these people when I said I wouldn’t and even went back to them when I knew that as soon as I stopped hanging out with them I felt much better about everything. God, I’m fucking stupid for an engineer with a 3.8 GPA. Ugh, it’s time for a change and I feel as though these are it for now and I’ll see how everything goes from here. Sorry this one was so long, but I had to get it off of my chest.

02/07/2012

Hey everyone, just checking in and as it turns out, Mark is straight. It was insanely awkward when he told me. The truth is, I just wish I didn’t like anyone. It’s a hassle and it seems as though no one ever likes me back.I’ve tried my hardest to get my various crush’s attention and no one ever notices or wants to even talk to me.

To try to better my chances, I’m going to the gym everyday, eating nothing but salad and fruit, drinking nothing but water, and even dressing up during the weekday. I really just want to find someone and have a cool relationship with them. It sucks that everyone I know (including my crushes) have said that I’m attractive and how they wish they had someone like me, but the thing is no one is responding to my blatant flirting! I’m going to try my hardest to get them, but at the same time I feel as though I shouldn’t because if I have to do all of this extra work to reel them in, how much work am I going to have to do to keep them baited, you know?

I’m going to try at least so I’ll never have to wonder “what if…”. Wish me luck everyone, hopefully everything will get better so I won’t complain your face again haha.

02/09/12

Today was the most refreshing day I’ve had in years. I’m glad I nixed the friends and got back in touch with my best friend, music! The day was going great until I decided to think about life. This time I realized how much I hate living with a roommate. I never have complete privacy and he’s always talking to his girlfriend, making feel lonely. I know this is petty, but it doesn’t change the fact that I don’t like it. I’ve never shared a room with anyone for more than a week. I don’t like this change, but I’ve been dealing with it and will continue to do so. Hopefully I’ll get over it because I really like my roommate as a person, but I don’t like him as a roommate.

Onto other things, I’m bi. Yeah, I really thought deep today and I’ve finally come to terms with it. It’s been bothering me for quite some time now, but I’m just going to be true with myself so I can grow as a person.

With that being said, there are multiple people that I’m interested in, which includes guys and girls, so I’ll probably turn into a fan-girl in a few days on here. So far though, I like Mark. He’s a really tall guy and kind of chunky though, but that can be worked out. He’s actually really nice and even funny, but he’s religious and I’m not sure if that’ll be a breaking point. He does a lot of feminine things so I’m banking that he’ll like guys too. Hopefully this works out for me.

02/08/12

I’ve been wondering for these past couple of weeks if I truly have friends. I feel as though they only talk to me when they have no one else to turn to or after I’ve given them something. It sucks to even begin to think about how much I’ve sacrificed and how much time I’ve spent on them these past years. The only time I’m able to even get a conversation with them is if we’re talking about me giving them something or spending money on them in some form.

I hate to think this way, but I’ve recently seen people with their friends and it’s not like anything we ever are. I don’t know whether it’ll be appropriate to cry, get angry, or just say fuck it all together. I wish I would’ve thought about this after this month because my birthday’s coming up and no one wants to be upset or friendless on their birthday. It seems as though I will be one of those people this year though.

Hopefully I’ll be able to spend it watching movies, drinking tea, and eating cake all by my lonesome because that’s actually something I like to do and I’m not forced to do it because of lack of resources. I guess it’s just time to go back to what kept me sane in middle school, music. It has been the only friend I needed and the only one that stayed by my side when everything blew up in my face. Hopefully it will save me again. Starting tomorrow I’ll be back to square one, it’s time too get my life in order. I’m so glad I’m going to a concert on Saturday, it’ll take my mind off of this.

Until next time-